Navigating the Jungle of Childhood Worries: A Parent's Guide to Supporting Their Child with Anxiety
As a parent is it difficult to see your children turn themselves into knots with worry and anxiety. It can leave us parents feeling helpless and confused as to the best way to help our children. Asking ourselves Is this just a phase? Do I protect them or push them forward? Should I get help? It can also cause a worry dance between parent and child, both feeling overwhelmed and uncertain.
Fears and worries are a normal and natural part of life. Fear protects us from danger. It is important to understand that fear and anxiety is a normal feeling which we can all experience from time to time. Most of us can feel nervous and anxious before exams, a big sporting event, or a job interview. Anxiety in these situations is communicating to us, “this is something important to me and I want to do well”. We can lean into these feelings to help us perform better, focus more and prepare. It is when we are anxious about being anxious that can cause a spiral of panic.
There are common fears that appear at certain times across development. During toddler years separation from primary carers is a common fear and for some children it can continue into early primary school years. Children might become emotional and clingy at drop offs and that dreaded moment when you drive away and see your child holding onto the gate crying. It can be a challenging phase for both child and parent during these years. Common fears and worries for kindergarten children include fearing the dark, ghosts and monsters, animals, fear of the dentist and needles.
During early primary school years into adolescence friendships are being established in more complex ways and children/teens can have worries about friendship issues and fittng in. Thanks to our caveman ancestors, we are hard wired to belong. For our ancestors their survival was depended on being part of a pack, for protection against predators. Today we don’t have sabor tooth tigers roaming our streets, yet our brains are still hard wired to belong, to be accepted into a tribe. Mid- adolescence is a peak time we can see worries about belonging, worries about what other people think, worries about inclusion.
Big changes and stressors (personal and family stressors) can increase worries and fears for children and teens. Transitions in life such as starting kindy/school and transitioning to high school are often peak times for worry. These transitions bring uncertainty and unpredictability which are part of the main causes for worry.
We can often underestimate the impact of moving homes, changing schools or primary carers returning to work can have on children. Yes, children are resilient AND change can be difficult to adjust to. They often need additional time and support during these transitions.
Understandability there is an increase in fears and worry when children, teens, and families experience stressors such as incidences of bullying, divorce, financial stress, loss of employment and death of a loved one.
What can make a child more vulnerable to worry and anxiety? Research has shown several factors can influence a child to experience anxiety. Genetic plays a role; anxiety can run through families. It may also be a dance between a child and an anxious parent. Often children who are sensitive in their nature and feelings are likely prone to worry and experience anxiety. Children who over-think things, and focus on the negative aspects of events, are also prone to anxiety.
What can parents do? I want both children and parents to know that we need practice facing our fears, step by step. It’s natural to want to protect our children when they are feeling scared and vulnerable. But if this protection helps a child avoid the situation that ignites their worry and anxiety, the bigger it gets. In the end, this cycle keeps fears going and can make anxiety worse. We need to support our children to know that fears and worry is normal. To give them the tools to manage their anxiety and the opportunity to practice these tools. Often children get confused with the meaning of being brave. Being brave isn’t about not being scared, being brave is about being scared of something AND taking a step towards facing it. You can be both brave and scared at the same time. There are many story books for children about worry and anxiety. Reading story books is a very natural way for young children to learn. Listening to the story and then thinking about how to use the ideas for themselves.
When to ask for help? It is hard to know, and each child and family are different. As a psychologist working with young people, I am a strong advocate for early intervention. For some parents this may mean equipping yourself with understanding more about anxiety and helpful strategies for you and your child, from reading books or from speaking to professionals. For some families it may mean accessing therapy to learn some tools together. It is important to seek support when a child’s anxiety is persistent and is causing difficulties for the child.
Resources:
Hey Warrior by Karen Young
How to Tame My Anxiety Monster by Melanie Hawkins
Helping Your Anxious Child: A step by step guide for parents by Ann Wignall and authors
The BRAVE Program is an interacgive, online program for the prevention and treatment of childhood and adolescent anxiety. The programs are free, and provide ways for children and teenagers to better cope with their worries. There are also programs for parents.
By Nicole Dorrington Psychologist and mother of two. August 2023
Please note that this article is educational in nature and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, assessment, diagnosis or treatment. Please do not hesitate to reach out to a professional for support if required.